


baby i’m right here, i’m trying to make it clear that getting half of you just ain’t enough

by halfwayinit



Series: ballum week 2020 [2]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M, angst angst and more angst, hopefully not, i can't decide if this is completely ooc or not, the affair that never was, there's no happy ending sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:13:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24628366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit
Summary: ben's tired of having to share callum.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: ballum week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1778881
Comments: 20
Kudos: 63





	baby i’m right here, i’m trying to make it clear that getting half of you just ain’t enough

**Author's Note:**

> here is my contribution for day two of ballum week on tumblr  
> 'the affair that never was'  
> i went in an extremely angsty direction with this, but i hope you enjoy regardless!

Ben doesn’t do feelings, not since his heart was broken beyond repair, dead and buried with the one person he ever truly loved. That’s what he told himself, he could never let himself love again, never be vulnerable enough to feel the excruciating pain of loving and losing. And until now, he hasn’t. He’s downloaded apps, hooked up with nameless faces, and sometimes he stayed for more, but he never stayed for long. He chased the ecstasy and then he left, never giving a name, or a number for someone to follow up with. 

Until Callum.

Callum Highway who walked into Ben’s life and lit a fire in his soul that he can’t put out. Ben was sure after the night in the park that he’d never hear from Callum again, that was until he was being cornered in the men’s toilets of the Vic, Callum’s lips slick and wet against his own, the taste of vodka on his tongue giving away that he’d be on the hard liquor for quite a while. 

It’s been months since then and still, Ben can’t walk away. Even if he could, he’s sure he’s in too deep now, too far gone for a man who will never truly be his. Callum said it himself that night, face illuminated from the stars as they stood in front of each other in the park. He’s got a flat, he’s got a girl. Ben’s just scratching the itch, the person he goes to for the one thing he can’t get at home. 

Ben asks himself why he can’t let Callum go, tell him to stay away from him and get his kicks from random strangers like Ben used to do. He pretends not to know the answer, but deep down he knows. He’s made the mistake of falling again. He’s fallen hard, too hard for a heart as fragile as his. 

That’s why it hurts so much when he looks up from his glass of whiskey at the bar in E20 to see Callum and Whitney sitting together in a booth, lipstick smudged across his lips from where she’s planted a kiss on him. The sight of them makes jealousy spike hot in Ben’s blood, makes his fingers curl tighter and tighter around the glass until he’s sure it’s going to splinter into shards in his hands. Good, he thinks. He wants it to, anything to take away from the way he’s feeling right now. 

He hates the effect that Callum has on him, hates that he hasn’t been able to look at another man for weeks now without feeling like  _ he’s _ the one who’s being unfaithful. What a fucking joke. He’s so far gone for someone who isn’t even his that the apps on his phone remained unused for weeks in a row. Instead, Ben waits like a little lap dog for Callum’s calls and texts, jumping at the opportunity for stolen moments in the parlour, in the car lot, sometimes even in Callum’s flat when he can be absolutely sure nobody’s around. When Callum calls, Ben goes running. 

But, not tonight. Ben wants, needs, to get over this slump he’s in. He needs to feel the thrill of being wanted, to have a stranger’s lips kiss a hot trail down his chest and help him forget about Callum Highway and his wife-to-be. 

That’s why he doesn’t say no when a tall, blonde takes the seat beside him and asks to buy him a drink. He’s not Ben’s usual type,  _ he’s not Callum _ his subconscious supplies for him, but he’s attractive and he’s got a smile that would have any man weak at the knees. So, Ben accepts the blonde man’s offer, smiling as he sticks out his hand to introduce himself as Evan. If this was any other night, any night before he’d gotten himself wrapped up in this thing with Callum, Ben would probably suggest a taxi out of there, getting straight to the point without playing around. Quick, easy, no messing around. But tonight, he decides he can wait, and if it’s got anything to do with Callum watching them from his seat beside Whitney, well Ben won’t tell. 

It’s fun, more fun than Ben’s let himself have in a long time. They’re on to their second drink by now and Ben’s starting to see that Evan’s got a sense of humour that rivals his own, jokes making Ben belly-laugh in a way that he almost forgot he could. He’s genuinely interested in what Evan is saying, so much so that he nearly forgets that Callum’s in the bar at all until he catches his eye, Callum’s lips set in a straight line, not looking like he’s enjoying himself. It sends a thrill up Ben’s spine, knowing that the sight of him with another man is having a negative effect. Good, Ben thinks, now he knows how it feels. 

It tears Ben apart to see Callum and Whitney together, leaves a sick taste in his mouth when they kiss in the Vic or link their hands as they walk through the market, matching grins so sickly sweet, like the perfect match. He hates it, hates himself for letting himself get in so deep that even just the sight of them makes his jaw clench, tears stinging his eyes as jealousy curls hot in his stomach. Not tonight, Ben tells himself. Tonight it’s Callum’s turn to feel that spike of jealousy run rampant in his body, hands aching to reach and touch, knowing they can’t.

After a few moments, Ben leans in to whisper into Evan’s ear that the next drink is on him, smirking as he locks eyes with Callum again when he leaves Evan to make his way to the bar. He orders their drinks and rests his elbows on the counter as he waits, not surprised whatsoever when a warm body is suddenly beside him, in his personal space. He doesn’t have to look to know it’s Callum, so used to the smell of his aftershave now, the way it fills his nostrils when he’s kissing down Callum’s neck, the smell so very  _ Callum _ that it makes his knees tremble.

“You two look cozy.” He doesn’t sound happy, tone bordering on accusing as he stares down at Ben. His gaze is hard, unwavering, it surprises Ben considering his fiancée is only across the bar. 

Ben just shrugs nonchalantly, years of keeping up a facade working to his advantage as he keeps his expression neutral. “Why do you care? You’re here with your fiancée.” he says the word like it’s dirty, unable to keep the venom from his voice. His words seem to have the desired effect on Callum, the older man’s shoulders dropping slightly as he sits himself down on the barstool, keeping an eye out for the barman at the same time, not wanting to be overhead.

“Don’t be like this Ben, please.” His eyes are wide and sincere, the way they always are because it’s Callum and he doesn’t know how to be anything else. It takes everything in Ben to pick up the drinks as the barman places them down on the counter, smirk back on his lips as he swallows down the words he really wants to say. 

_ I wish he was you _ .  _ I’d rather go home with you. Nobody else ever compares. I’m falling so fucking hard for you. _

Instead, what comes out is a smug “Enjoy your night Callum, I know I will.” before he’s turning on his heel, leaving Callum sitting on his own at the bar, trying to mask the hurt he feels in his heart.

-

Ben’s just the right side of tipsy when he feels Evan’s hand come to rest on his thigh, squeezing gently when he asks if Ben wants to leave. All it takes is a quick glance over to where Callum and Whitney are sitting, giggling like two teenagers in love for Ben to nod, pulling on his jacket. 

He doesn’t even protest when Evan takes his hand to lead him through the crowd, feels himself willing Callum to look up and see them. 

Look, he wants to say to him, I don’t need you. Even if he knows deep in his heart that it’s a lie. He does need Callum, every part of him. It’s not just the physical aspect any more that does it for Ben. Callum’s the light in the dark, that spark that lit Ben’s heart on fire when he thought it had been reduced to ashes. Everything about him is intoxicating, no time with Callum is long enough, always leaving Ben craving more. Just one more minute, one more sweet, lingering kiss to help him last until the next.

Ben’s not sure when it changed for him, when he went from craving Callum in a physical way to what he feels now. There was no lightbulb moment where he thought, I’m in love with him. It was gradual, the wait between when they could meet feeling longer and longer. Ben started to dream about him, Callum’s strong, calloused hands enveloping Ben’s own as they walked through the Square, happiness radiating out of them, so very obviously in love.

He woke after that dream feeling more content than he had in years, but that was a fantasy. This is his reality, leaving the bar with a man he hardly knows while Callum stays and goes home with the woman he’s going to marry. 

-

He tries to let himself relax into the kisses Evan is trailing down his neck, forcing his hands to run through the hair at the nape of the other man’s neck and he’s pressed roughly up against the door of Evan’s flat. Ben moves his hands to Evan’s waist, pulling him in closer, willing his brain to shut off so he can let himself go, enjoy chasing the high he craves so desperately.

But, it’s like his brain is working against him, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth that he tries to chase away by biting down on to Evan’s shoulder, the shuddering breath other man lets out not doing anything to quell the thoughts of  _ I shouldn’t be doing this _ that are running rampant in his mind. Ben’s never had to think this hard about it before, usually content to get lost in the feeling of another body against his, relish in the way he can have a man in the palm of his hand with just a few hot, open-mouthed kisses. 

It’s only when he feels fingers tugging at his belt buckle that Ben pushes Evan off him, breath coming out harsh and fast he rubs his hand across his mouth, cursing the day he ever let his walls down for Callum. He broke his own rules, going back for more, and now he’s living the consequence of his foolish heart.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.” That’s the only explanation Ben offers before he’s walking out the door, back into the chill of the night, pulling his denim jacket tighter around his body. He pulls out his phone, frustration and anger building steadily as he types out a text and hits the send button.

Ben: [ _ meet me at the car lot. now _ ] 11:37pm

Callum: [ _ give me five minutes, i’ll be there _ ] 11:38pm

-

Ben’s restless once he gets to the carlot, pacing around the floor, fists clenching and unclenching as he tries to work out what he wants to do when Callum gets here. Kiss him? Punch him in the face? Shove him up against the door and show him why he can’t stop himself coming back to Ben every time, never quite satisfied with anything or anyone else.

He’s leaning more towards the latter, it’s not like it’s Callum’s fault that Ben fell in love with him. Callum was lost, looking for an answer to a question he didn’t want to ask, and Ben was there to answer it for him. That should’ve been it. Ben should’ve walked away after that first night in the park, but he can’t. Doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to now, instead he’ll wait like he always does, even when Callum has a ring on his finger and a wife on his arm, Ben will be there. 

Ben’s resting on top of his desk when the door opens about ten minutes later, Callum stepping into the car lot cautiously, like he’s not sure what he’s about to be met with. Ben clears his throat, not willing to succumb to what he knows his heart wants just yet. 

“You took your time.” Callum ducks his head at Ben’s words, coming to a stop in the middle of the floor. He shrugs his shoulders, like he’s not willing to fight with Ben right now.

“Had to tell Whit that Stuart needed me for something, didn’t go down that well.” If Callum was going for humour then it doesn’t come through as he speaks, instead he looks almost awkward, standing there in front of Ben, wringing his hands together like he doesn’t know what else to do with them. 

The silence stretches out for a few moments, the two of them just looking at each other, blue eyes meeting in the dim light. Ben loves Callum’s eyes, has gotten lost in them more times than he cares to admit, steel-blue never dimming the warmth that Callum gives off. Now, they’re wide open, looking straight past the walls Ben’s built up, right into the deepest, darkest corner of his soul. 

It’s Callum who breaks the eye contact, biting down on his lip before saying, “I thought you were going home with..whats-his-face.” 

That makes Ben laugh, bitterly, nostrils flaring when he feels the frustration from earlier begin to bubble up inside him again. “I did. Got as far as his front door before I left.” He stops himself then, waiting for Callum’s reaction. 

“Why’d you leave?” Callum’s relieved, Ben can tell, relieved that Ben didn’t actually go through with it, wants him to himself even though he can’t do the same.

“You really want to know?” Ben waits for Callum to nod before he continues, “I left because there was a part of me that felt I’d be being  _ unfaithful _ to you if I slept with him. How fucked is that? You’re the one with the pretend life and _ I _ feel like the one in the wrong.”

Ben’s hands are clenched into fists at his side, face flushing red with the anger that is flooding him, making frustrated tears build up behind his lashes. Callum at least has the decency to look ashamed, lips parting and then closing again when he can’t find the words to say.

Ben decides it’s now or never, words falling from his lips before he can stop himself, before he can convince himself he doesn’t want to know the answer. 

“Are you ever going to leave her for me?”

Callum’s silence is the answer Ben needs. He’d been holding out hope, telling himself that Callum would call off the wedding, realising that he doesn’t want to live a life of sneaking around, waiting for stolen moments with the only person who sees him for who he truly is.

Ben thought he could handle it, being second best, but he knows now he can’t. Now he’s asked the question and gotten his answer, he doesn’t want to live like that. It will break him, if there’s anything left of him to break. 

-

When the door shuts closed behind Callum, Ben lets go completely, shivering as the chill of the night hits his skin. Months of emotions spill out of him as he sinks to the floor, tears free falling, lip quivering violently, his body reacting to Callum’s absence in a way he’s never allowed it to before. 

Time seems to pass slowly, no sign of the sun rising above the city lights as the night stretches on. It’s fitting, the darkness enveloping him as his light in this life walks away, leaving him alone, his shattered heart trying desperately to stay pieced together.

Ben thinks maybe his broken heart is a sign that he’s still capable of love after all the misery he’s lived through.

Even though the thought brings him some comfort, he knows rather feel nothing at all than to live and love a man who will never truly be his.

In another life, Ben would chase after Callum, they’d kiss in the pouring rain and the world would right itself when  _ I love you _ ’s fall from their lips. They’d be happy, so blissfully happy together, Ben would wake every morning to Callum sleeping soundly beside him, fingers still interlocked from where they drifted to sleep hand in hand. 

But, in this life, Callum goes home to his fiancée and Ben sits surrounded by the pieces of his broken heart. 

Alone.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!  
> come find me on tumblr @halfwayinit  
> kudos + comments appreciated always :)


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